What I learned On My Sabbatical

                                

 May 14, 2025
By Olga Erickson

When Obedience Feels Heavy

Tim and I went through our second major transition. In short, we sold our house and bought a fifth-wheel RV. We felt directed to step out and begin our ministry.

I had a very hard time taking this step—so much so that when we moved into the RV, I cried for days and nights. Deep inside, I kept telling myself, “I missed God,” and now there was no way out. I was trying to be obedient, yet something didn’t feel right.

No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t shake the heaviness. I knew I needed time alone with the Lord. I needed to meet with my Heavenly Father. Throughout my life, He has always been faithful to give me revelation about what is happening internally, and I trusted that He would do so again.

God heard His daughter’s cry and opened a door for me to get away. So, I left for five days to seek Him—expecting answers, peace, and clarity.

Little did I know what was coming my way!

Introduction

Choosing the Path That Leads to Life

The journey to understanding God’s plan begins with a heart that is surrendered daily and a deliberate decision to trust. This path is not for those who seek comfort; it is for those who are willing to pick up their cross each day.

This journey is about knowing Him, loving Him, and becoming more like Him—reflecting His character, His love, and His holiness. The path He has for us is the best path, and it is the one that leads to life.

Without realizing it, I wanted comfort. Deep within, I did not want to pick up my cross for this part of my journey.

The Call to Surrender

To walk this journey, I must fully surrender my desires and my need for control. God’s will is revealed through those who are yielded to Him. Understanding His will does not come before obedience; it comes through obedience—through trusting and obeying. This process brings clarity and direction, though God’s will is not always comfortable or easy. Following Him may cost me my comfort, but it will lead to something far greater. That needed to be my focus!

Faith Beyond Understanding

God’s will leads to eternal purpose and transformation. Often, we want revelation without surrender and submission, and when it does not come, I felt as though God was being silent. I wanted things to be easy. Yet it is not faith if we insist on seeing God’s will before we move. True faith says, “Even if I do not understand or see the end, I will follow.” That was the heart God was looking for!

A Matter of the Heart

Surrender is a matter of the heart. A person can appear to be doing all the right things outwardly while still holding back inwardly. True surrender requires fully letting go until resistance fades and pride is broken. Did I just say pride? What I am starting to see in me was not good! I need to come to place of brokenness.  Then the voice of the Lord will become clearer. Remember the gospel calls for death to self, and that death bears fruit. God reveals Himself to those who hunger for Him.

The Work of Waiting

When we demand answers or continually ask “why,” we often find none. Yet God remains faithful. I had to let God mold my character and prepares my heart for what lies ahead. Obedience is the refining fire that purifies me, one step at a time. I had to come to a place of repentance to break the silence.
God will accomplish something powerful in the waiting. He is deeply interested in who I am becoming in this season. He is forming something within me that is essential for the journey ahead. Therefore, I must wait in a place of REST and TRUST—even in the silence—knowing that He is always at work.

Update

During my sabbatical, I received a clear revelation: I needed repentance. I needed to trust God to lead me into a place of rest. God was calling me to surrender fully through obedience to Him.

For those who may be wondering, I still don’t enjoy living in a trailer—it’s small, and I miss the prayer closet I had in our house. This season has required another level of faith financially as well.

Here is what I know to be true: during this time of trusting, I will get to see my Heavenly Father shine. And that—now that—is exciting.

Jesus Said "Why Am I Not Enough"

                            

Receiving Forgiveness and Freedom from Condemnation

A Teaching on Forgiveness, Cleansing, and Walking Free

By Olga Erickson

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Introduction: The Reality of Imperfection

Many of us see imperfections in our lives. Here is a news flash:
It’s true—we are not perfect.

Oh no! Are we okay accepting that?

How often do we find ourselves living with regrets?

• “Why didn’t I do things differently?”

• “I’m not good enough.”

• “I am a failure.”

• “I really hate myself.”

Let’s be honest—many negative thoughts pass through our minds. Our minds often express strong disapproval toward ourselves, which is the definition of condemnation. These thoughts break our hearts and create a deep inner cry within us.

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Common Advice We Hear

Sometimes we find the courage to share our story with someone we trust. Most of the time we hear responses like:

“You need to ask God to forgive you.”
or
“You need to forgive yourself.”

Let’s slow down and examine these two statements according to God’s Word.

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Statement #1: Asking God to Forgive Us

Biblical Foundation

1 John 1:9

If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

Psalm 32:5

I acknowledged my sin to You, and my iniquity I have not hidden. I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the Lord,” and You forgave the iniquity of my sin.

1 John 2:12

I write to you, little children, because your sins are forgiven you for His name’s sake.

Teaching Point

Forgiveness was purchased at a great price—the blood of Jesus. We receive forgiveness by faith, because without faith it is impossible to please God (Hebrews 11:6).

It does not matter how we feel or what thoughts of condemnation attack our minds. The truth of God’s Word remains:

“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you… thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.” (Jeremiah 29:11)

Receiving His forgiveness by faith pleases God. If that is true, then refusing to receive His forgiveness grieves Him.

You are forgiven for His name’s sake. This is about Him.
When we receive His forgiveness, we are saying:

“I trust You. I believe You are who You say You are, and that Your Word is true.”

God focuses more on our heart of faith than on our failure. He desires that we know He is not a man that He should lie, and that He can be trusted to forgive us.

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Forgiving Others: A Necessary Part of Receiving Forgiveness

We are called to confess our sins with true repentance and to forgive those who have sinned against us.

Mark 11:25

And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him, that your Father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses.

Why This Matters

Unforgiveness is a major hindrance to receiving God’s forgiveness.

Some of us have experienced unthinkable offenses—things that feel impossible to forgive. For this, I teach what I call “The Two-Step”.

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The Two-Step to Forgiving Others

Step 1: Obedience

You choose to forgive because God asks you to—regardless of how you feel.

Step 2: Supernatural Help

Ask God to release His forgiveness through you toward the person. Jesus tells us to forgive from the heart (Matthew 18:35).

The truth is, you cannot do this on your own.

Good news:
You have a Helper. You have a Comforter. Nothing is impossible for Him.

Expect God to release this forgiveness within you—He is faithful.

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A Serious Warning

We cannot take forgiveness lightly. The consequences are too great.

Have you ever considered what it means not to be forgiven by God because we refuse to forgive others?

I will be the first to say: I need God’s forgiveness.
I cannot afford not to have it.

Matthew 18:34–35 warns that those who refuse to forgive from the heart are handed over to torment. That is not a price I want to pay.

Because of this, I choose to forgive quickly. I do not allow offense to fester. I even ask God to reveal any unforgiveness I may not see—and I trust Him to show me.

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Statement #2: Forgiving Ourselves

Is It Biblical?

Scripture instructs us to:

• Confess our sins to God (1 John 1:9)

• Forget what lies behind (Philippians 3:13)

• Forgive others

Nowhere does Scripture command us to forgive ourselves.

Some point to Colossians 3:13, but when read in context, it clearly refers to forgiving others, not ourselves.

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Why Do We Feel the Need to Forgive Ourselves?

As I sought the Lord, He showed me that this need comes from:

1. Condemnation

Condemnation causes us to focus on ourselves instead of Christ.

Romans 8:1

There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit.

2. The Enemy’s Strategy

The enemy wants us focused on what we have done instead of what Jesus has done. Forgiving ourselves keeps the focus on self instead of Christ.

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Forgiveness vs. Cleansing

When I studied the Greek word for “cleanses” in 1 John 1:9, I discovered it means:

• Free from guilt

• Purified from sin

• Consecrated

• Set apart

When God forgives, He also cleanses.

Here is the problem:
We often try to receive His forgiveness, but not His cleansing.

You cannot cleanse yourself. Only Jesus can do that.

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Personal Testimony

I aborted two of my babies, and condemnation followed me for years. I was told to “forgive myself.” I tried—but it did not work. The guilt and shame remained.

True freedom came when Jesus personally ministered to my heart. He emphasized His forgiveness and cleansed me from guilt and shame. He showed me that even something I believed was beyond redemption could be used for His glory.

Only God can do that.

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Why We Struggle

There are two primary reasons we feel the need to forgive ourselves:

1. Condemnation keeps us walking in the flesh instead of the Spirit.

2. The enemy wants our focus off Jesus and on ourselves.

During intercession, I once heard the Lord ask:

“Why Am I not enough?”

That question broke me.

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Final Teaching Questions

• Why isn’t His forgiveness enough?

• Why can’t we receive His cleansing and healing?

• Why don’t we use our authority to resist the enemy’s accusations?

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Ministry Response

If someone came to me saying, “I can’t forgive myself,” I would say:

“That’s okay—you don’t have to.
Jesus’ forgiveness and cleansing are enough, and they come with power.”

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Closing Thoughts

If you have confessed Jesus Christ as Lord and believed in your heart that He died and rose again, you can:

• Walk in victory

• Live free from condemnation

• Be healed from shame, regret, and disappointment

• Be set free from bondage and addiction

Let us be satisfied with what He has accomplished—for His name’s sake.s. You can be set free of your addictions and your bondages. Let’s receive and be satisfy with what He has accomplished for us and let’s do it for His Name sake. His Word is quick and powerful it will accomplish great things in our lives if we BELIEVE.

Prayer:

Lord Forgive us for our unbelief. You are enough Jesus, help us to see that.

By Olga 

Be-A-Voice

"Tim and Olga Running with Jesus" Update

It was over a year ago in 2011 we entered into our first journey of leaving all for Jesus; Tim and I left everything behind in IL to go on a journey with the Jesus. We had no idea what the future would hold. There was no steady income coming in, so this truly became a journey of faith. Oddly enough, we stepped into this mission with joy and without fear. The Lord promised to provide, set us free, and use us for His glory—and that seemed to be enough.

We began the year by entering a six-month internship that brought an incredible amount of healing we didn’t even realize we needed. We had never heard so many positive words spoken over us. The encouragement was overwhelming and often brought tears to our eyes. We learned how powerful words truly are and how much encouragement was lacking in the Body of Christ back home. We also learned how to step out even further in faith—laying hands on the sick, giving prophetic words, and standing for justice. God was truly “wowing” us, and we became hungry to see even more.

The Lord provided a house and everything we needed to fix it. Somehow, He has continued to provide for our monthly bills, even without much help from back home. There have been some close calls, but we continue to hold tightly to His promises, knowing that the testing of our faith produces patience.

When our internship ended, we had no idea where to go next in Ihopkc. There was so much to do here, and we spent a great deal of time praying—which is normal here. We were certain we would end up working with youth, since we pastored youth for twelve years, but the Lord had other plans. We didn’t realize that Jesus would soon be running ahead of us, and we would be trying to keep up.

After a dream and clear direction from God to Tim, we finally landed in the PHD department (no, we did not earn a PhD—at least not here on earth!). PHD stands for Prophecy, Healing, and Deliverance. At first, we had no desire to be in this department, but the Lord began to change our hearts. We developed a deep passion to see God’s people healed and set free. This is where everything began to pick up pace.

God began to use us, and we started witnessing marriages restored. People who once wanted to end their lives were being transformed—their hearts filled with joy. Lives were being healed of deep inner wounds, and even women who had aborted their babies were receiving healing. It became difficult to keep up with the Lord. We started a Life Group with five people called Overcoming Strongholds, which grew to over ninety people and is still growing.

One of the most amazing testimonies is Samuel’s story.

For about 3 years, Samuel was attached to a feeding tube, unable to carry a conversation, lift his arms, or open his eyes. He had been diagnosed as a catatonic schizophrenic, and doctors were preparing to send him for electric shock treatments. One day, God divinely brought him into our path in the prayer room. When Tim and I first met Samuel, we listened as his mother shared his story, and instantly our hearts were filled with compassion. We knew this was the work of the enemy.

We felt like David must have felt when he first saw Goliath. A holy anger rose up in us. It was as if we picked up our spiritual weapons and declared, “How dare the enemy hold him captive!” To make a long story short, twenty minutes later Samuel was set free. He began talking slowly, lifting his arms, and making eye contact with us. Most importantly, he smiled for the first time in months. It was incredible. Needless to say, we all had tears in our eyes. The Lord deserves all the glory.

Samuel is now back functioning normal and learning how to be active once again. His family stands amazed. As word spreads quickly, we find ourselves trying to keep up with the growing number of people crying out for freedom. Please pray with us that more teams will be raised up so even more people can be helped. Here at IHOP-KC, people fly in from all over the world to be healed and set free. The PHD department stays busy. The Lord is preparing His Bride.

Tim and I realize that we are only His servants, allowing the Lord to do the work through us. We are witnessing the power of God.

“As you go, preach, saying, ‘The kingdom of heaven is at hand.’ Heal the sick, cleanse the lepers, raise the dead, cast out demons. Freely you have received; freely give.”

Yes, the Great Commission is for today, and people are being amazed. Tim and I are amazed. We feel honored to run this marathon with Jesus and eagerly anticipate His next move, direction, and miracle. We are deeply thankful to be a part of such an incredible work.

Tim and I have met so many amazing people here at IHOP-KC. We feel truly loved and appreciated, which has made adjusting to a new state much easier. We wanted to update our friends and family and send our love. We bless you with His love and kindness.

With love,
Olga
BE-A-Voice

"A Love That Carried Me Away!"

                                           A Love That Carried Me Away

How many times have you heard the words, “Jesus loves you”?
Or read Scriptures that speak of His love for us, such as these:

John 3:16
For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son…

Ephesians 3:18
That you may be able to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

Perhaps your response has been something like, “Okay, Jesus loves me—good to know.” And then you continue on with life, not really thinking much about it.

But then there comes a day—after seeking His heart for years, months, or even just days—when you find yourself in His presence, and suddenly He gives you a revelation. It may come through a vision, or through His Word, or by a gentle whisper to your heart. In that moment, you find yourself stepping back and exclaiming, “WOW! What was I thinking?”

This is my story—an awakening I received through a vision.

The Fragrance of Worship

I was attending a church service filled with people who were deeply hungry for God. We were worshiping together in unity no concern about what others might think if someone raised their hands.

It was a place of complete freedom—a place where hearts were focused solely on touching the heart of God.

As I worshiped, I prayed quietly, “Lord, help me to worship You in spirit and in truth.”
As I yielded my heart to Him, it wasn’t long before I heard Him speak:
“I want to show you something.”

My response was immediate: “Please show me.”
I knew that whatever He wanted me to see would be important.

Suddenly, I saw the worship of God’s people rising before Him like incense. It appeared as a soft, white smoke ascending into heaven. Then the Lord said to me, “What you see is the sweet fragrance of worship rising up to Me. This worship and prayer are what cause the heavens to open.”

He then showed me what an open heaven looked like over the service and said,
“Here is where you ask, and it will be given to you—if you believe.”

I stood in awe.

Giving Him My Heart

As my hands were raised, I felt the Lord take my hand. I sensed that He wanted to show me something more. I saw Jesus standing tall—like a towering building—with His arms crossed, as if declaring, “I AM A BIG GOD.” There He stood. Then I heard Him say,

“Remember when I asked you to give Me your heart?”

I replied, “Yes, I do.”

In that moment, I remembered two other times during my prayer life when He had asked me the same question. I realized that giving my heart to Him meant something much deeper than I had previously understood.

I wanted the Lord to have my heart completely—without hesitation. I desired to give it to Him freely. So I said,
“Show me how to give it to You the way You desire.”

I knew I could trust Him.

As He held my hand, I felt myself being lifted up. Suddenly, I was standing before Jesus. I watched as He received my heart with overwhelming joy.

A Love Beyond Words

The best way I can describe what I saw is this:

Imagine losing your child. After hours of desperately searching, your heart begins to fail as hope slowly fades. Then, just as you look one last time into the distance, you see your child standing there. You run to him, lift him into your arms, and hold him tightly, thinking, “I will never let you go.” Your heart is flooded with a love so deep and overwhelming that words could never fully express it.

That is what I felt coming from the Lord.

There He stood, holding my heart, hugging it, and kissing it with a joy and passion that was indescribable. Then He lifted my heart toward heaven so that His light could shine upon it.

I felt His desire to fill my heart with a revelation of His love.

I remember thinking, “You love me that much?”

Known by Name

Tears began to fall.
I knew I was completely undeserving of such love.

Then I heard Him whisper my name:
“Olga, I love you.”

I know this may sound simple, but my immediate thought was, “Lord… You know me by name?”
With such tenderness in His voice, He replied,
“Yes. I see you. You are not invisible to Me.”

I was overwhelmed. I began to weep like a child.
“I have let You down so many times,” I thought, “and yet You love me beyond my understanding.”

In that moment, Ephesians 3:18 came alive in my heart. I realized how foolish it had been to hesitate in giving Him my whole heart. I had tried to shield it, thinking I was fully trusting Him—when in truth, my heart could never be safer than in His hands.

A Moment That Changed Everything

That evening, my heavenly Father held my hand throughout the entire time of worship. I couldn’t even remember my earthly father holding my hand the way my heavenly Father did that night.

It was one of those moments I will never forget.

I was deeply honored to receive such a revelation.

By Olga Be-A-Voice

Am I Travailing? I Weep When I Pray!

Travailing Prayer: When the Spirit Intercedes

Intercession and Travailing Prayer

Have you ever found yourself weeping during prayer and not knowing why?
Maybe you’ve ended up curled into a ball, groaning. Or perhaps you’ve been in a church service and suddenly felt the urge to cry out, “Have mercy, Lord!” Have you ever woken up in the middle of the night with a vivid image of someone on your mind, causing you to travail in prayer?

If you’ve experienced any of these things, you may have also found yourself in a group setting surrounded by people who thought you needed a demon cast out—or who began praying prayers of comfort and healing over you, assuming you were depressed. That can leave you wondering, “God, what is going on? Is something wrong with me?”

Well, I can tell you this: there is nothing wrong with you. What is happening is actually a very good thing. It’s called intercession.

Romans 8:26
“Likewise the Spirit also helps in our weaknesses. For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself makes intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered.”

Wow—the Holy Spirit Himself connecting with our emotions, helping us pray prayers that are effective. That’s amazing! The Holy Spirit is a person, and He feels just as you and I do. If you have confessed the Lord Jesus Christ as your personal Savior, I have great news for you: Jesus sent the Holy Spirit to abide in you.

He is the Helper the Bible speaks about. He is the same Spirit who dwelled in Jesus and raised Him from the dead. What power—and that power lives in us! Just thinking about it gives me chills.

The Spirit helps us in our weaknesses—and that doesn’t apply only to prayer—but since we’re focusing on travailing prayer, let’s continue.

Romans 8:27
“Now He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He makes intercession for the saints according to the will of God.”

The Holy Spirit knows the will of God for us.
Let’s go to the Garden of Gethsemane, where Jesus cried out, “Nevertheless, not My will, but Your will be done.”

As we read Matthew 26, we see that Jesus was interceding. He carried a burden so heavy that it caused Him to be exceedingly sorrowful and deeply distressed—even to the point of death. Luke 22:43–44 tells us He was in such agony, praying earnestly, that His sweat became like great drops of blood falling to the ground. The intercession was so overwhelming to His flesh that an angel had to come and strengthen Him.

Isaiah 53:4 tells us that He bore our griefs and carried our sorrows. Isaiah 53:11 says He would see the travail of His soul and be satisfied. His soul travailed for us. He was carrying the sins of the world while the enemy was being unleashed (see Psalm 22). Jesus lived a purpose-driven life, and His goal was to bring us salvation.
Jesus’ life was an act of intercession.

His mission was to restore us to the Father. It wasn’t fear that overwhelmed Him in the Garden—it was travail like none other. Because He walked among us in the flesh, it affected Him physically. Those who have travailed can understand this.
I’ve noticed that travail often comes to those who passionately cry out to know the heart of God. So if you’ve been asking the Lord to reveal His heart to you, you may very well be experiencing intercession.

What Is Intercession?
Intercession is praying on behalf of another—entreating in favor of someone else. It is inspired and directed by the Holy Spirit, who manifests Himself through our emotions.

Intercession has often been misunderstood. Many churches are uncomfortable with emotion in prayer and struggle with travail and supplication. I remember being at a prayer meeting where I prayed for a woman. I felt the Lord’s heart for her and His desire to bring her victory. There was some emotion in my prayer, though not excessive. At the next meeting, only the leaders were allowed to pray.

Intercession Includes:

Travailing – To bear, be born, bring forth, or be delivered.

Galatians 4:19 shows that travail is given by God; it cannot be manufactured. It often involves deep groaning—sometimes audible, sometimes unutterable (Romans 8:26). Travail is the grief of God’s heart. It is vital to discern whether it is truly from God and not a counterfeit. Scripture tells us to test the spirits. Never force these manifestations; they occur as the Holy Spirit wills. Travail may be brief or prolonged and can involve birthing or spiritual warfare.

Weeping – This is fairly self-explanatory.

Laughing – Laughter in prayer can signify that God’s will has been accomplished, the answer is on the way, or the enemy’s plan has been thwarted (Psalm 2:4; Psalm 37:12–13). Can you say victory? I love this part!

Supplication – A humble, earnest prayer or entreaty.

Things to Learn:

1. When intercession comes, stay in communion with the Holy Spirit. You will know when He shifts gears. Ask Him what the burden is for—you’ll be able to hear Him clearly.

1. Guard against the enemy entering in during travail. When we engage the spiritual realm, we can be vulnerable to attack.

1. Do not let emotions run wild. Walk in the fruit of self-control. Never become so emotional that you cannot hear the leading of the Holy Spirit.

1. With this type of intercession, pray until the burden lifts. Do not abort what is on the heart of God.

1. It is possible for the same burden to return later. A lifted burden does not always mean it has been fully prayed through.

1. If you are warring in intercession, it may help to have someone praying with you—taking authority using the Word of God (Luke 10:19). This can help bring closure more quickly.

1. Remember that laughter during prayer signifies victory. Be sure to thank Him.

1. Travail takes place in the spiritual realm, not the physical. Do not assume natural birthing positions, and do not allow feelings of physical intimacy with Jesus. Doing so opens the door to deception. This is sometimes referred to as “flaky intercession.”

Have a Clean Heart
The purer our hearts, the more welcome the Holy Spirit feels—and the more He will share with us. A clean heart leads to more effective prayer.

Closing Thoughts

Isaiah 59:16
“He saw that there was no man, and wondered that there was no intercessor; therefore His own arm brought salvation for Him.”

It is an honor to partner with the Holy Spirit in prayer. This kind of prayer ushers in revival—first in our hearts, then in our nation. More believers will experience travail. The Lord has a Bride preparing herself and souls that need to know Jesus. He is looking for vessels willing to pray His will.

Rest assured, the enemy has faithful worshipers praying his will as well. We need more intercession led by the Holy Spirit.

"Have We Been Robbed?"

An Awakening: A Journey Toward Healing and Identity

By Olga (Be_A_Voice)

I used a lot of tissues learning this lesson. It was truly an awakening.

We are all born into this world with our first cry—innocent, pure, and completely dependent on someone to love us, care for us, protect us, and teach us how to live. From the very beginning, we are created with a deep need for trust and love.

This was the wonderful plan and design of God.

As Psalm 139:13–16 tells us:

“For You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother’s womb.
I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Marvelous are Your works, and that my soul knows very well.”

How precious are the Lord’s thoughts toward us. His love for us surpasses even the greatest love a father or mother could give. We were wonderfully made—yet most of us grow up completely unaware of this truth. How can we know unless someone tells us?

As we grow and mature, the Lord’s desire is for His love and purpose to be revealed to us as early as possible so that His plan for our lives can be fulfilled. Sadly, because of our sin nature, our free will, and generational brokenness, this rarely happens. Instead, many of us encounter painful experiences passed down from generation to generation—experiences that quietly shape the course of our lives.

I want to share a moment from my own life.

I was born into a family of seven—Dad, Mom, three sisters, and a younger brother. I do not know my parents’ full stories, but I do know they were not good ones. I cannot remember a time when I was held and told, “I love you,” even though I believe they did love me. Positive words were foreign in my home. Instead, I heard words like stupid and dumb, along with constant yelling—enough to make your head spin.

One particular memory left a lasting mark on my heart.

It was report card day. My sisters and I were walking home from school, filled with fear. I remember looking at my report card and thinking, I should be okay—there are no F’s. (There were no A’s either.) When we walked through the door, we handed our report cards to our mother. As she looked them over, all hell broke loose.

She began yelling and searching for her metal cheese graters. When she found them, she made us kneel on them. There weren’t enough graters for all three of us, so she poured raw rice under my younger sister’s knees. As I knelt there in pain, I could hear her shouting, “F… F… F.” As a child, I didn’t understand how that F got there. I was completely confused.

But something deeper happened that day.

As I cried in pain, I began to believe I was a failure—and that nothing I did would ever change that. My home life altered the entire course of my future. I made decisions based on how I felt and what I constantly heard in my mind: You are a failure.

Because of that belief, I never had the courage to try things I desired—playing an instrument, learning new skills, archery, education—because I was terrified of failing.

In my early adulthood, I encountered the Lord and tried to accept that He saw me differently. But by then, I carried so much baggage. Healing became a process, and it was not easy. The scripture I lived by was:

“I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.”

I went to the Lord with my pain and I discovered just how deep my wounds were. I felt like crying out, “Get the ambulance—my wounds are deep! Why am I still alive?” And then I realized—the Holy Spirit must be driving, because He is the only one who can get me through this.

Thank God for His healing power.

Here’s the truth: I discovered that I had been robbed.

Robbed of knowing who I was created to be.
Robbed of my true identity.
Robbed of the life God intended for me.

I asked myself questions like: Who am I really? Who was I meant to be? What would my life have looked like if I had been loved and encouraged from the beginning?

For those wondering—Olga was in the Holy Spirit’s hospital, recovering. I am getting to know her, learning who she was created to be. With the Lord’s help, the old will die, and the new creation will rise and live.

The truth is, we have all been through things that changed the direction of our lives. Some of us have been abused, neglected, rejected, violated, or hurt beyond words. In response, many turned to things that only caused more damage. We developed characteristics we don’t like and lost sight of who we were meant to be.

We have been robbed of God’s original design for our lives.

We must understand this: we have a sin nature, free will, and an adversary—Satan—whose plan is destruction. His goal is to steal, kill, and destroy, and sadly, he has been effective.

But healing is available.

We must stop agreeing with the lies of the enemy. When he tells us who we are not, we must resist him with truth. I was never a failure. I was always created to be a child of God. Through Jesus Christ, I have been given the power to live fully here on earth. The same Spirit who raised Christ from the dead lives in me.

So to those who are hurting, I say this:
Pursue healing. Seek direction. Receive a revelation of God’s love for you.

You are not who your pain says you are.